TFLN Inspired (Most NSFW)

captainamericarogers:

  • [text:] She deliberately backed into the homewrecker’s whoremobile and yelled “”FOR SPARTA!”
  • [text:] In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
  • [text:] I was about to google “rabies and sexual activity.” Then I realized I was at work.[
  • [text:] I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
  • [text:] I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
  • [text:] I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that’s a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I’m laughing so hard
  • [text:] Are we at that point yet where I can just say “I want you to sit on my face”? If not, want to go out for “drinks”?
  • [text:] Let’s get a hotel room this time. I really don’t want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
  • [text:] I’m 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
  • [text:] Take your time. I’m mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
  • [text:] 75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
  • [text:] Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
  • [text:] If he doesn’t give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he’s probably not worth it.
  • [text:] Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
  • [text:] You asked for his ID and then said “I am like a bouncer but for my vagina.”
  • [text:] If the sex wasn’t incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
  • [text:] Ah, but I don’t wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
  • [text:] She was yelling at the tater tots, “In five minutes, you’re going in my mouth!”
  • [text:] gay sex achievement: unlocked
  • [text:] Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
  • [text:] I need to sanitize my soul.
  • [text:] Whenever someone tells me they’ve never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
  • [text:] Holy shit I’ve found my last one night stand in my Gran’s knitting club
  • [text:] So last night was the first of “I got cut off before I walked in the bar”.
  • [text:] What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I’m here
  • [text:] Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
  • [text:] I’m still laying in bed cuz I don’t feel like adulting yet
  • [text:] I’ve never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
  • [text:] I’m done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
  • [text:] Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
  • [text:] Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
  • [text:] i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
  • [text:] Eating power bars and masterbating… That’s kinda my life right now
  • [text:] FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
  • [text:] I just remember yelling “BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS” while I was streaking
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